


No Surprises Here

by dt8b0t



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Dirk is smitten, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Pining, Todd is trying to do his job and keep things normal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 14:47:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29227224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dt8b0t/pseuds/dt8b0t
Summary: Farah left, Dirk is smitten, and the universe throws itself at them in the background. Also, Dirk is the polar opposite of subtlety.
Relationships: Todd Brotzman/Dirk Gently
Comments: 3
Kudos: 23





	No Surprises Here

Dirk is a weird guy. Not in a bad way, or well, not always in a bad way, but always undeniably weird. Todd met him when he was crawling into his apartment through the window. One time he asked Todd to “push my bum to make me go up”, as he put it, while he was climbing a fence  _ right next to the gate _ . And he  _ cannot _ be allowed behind a wheel, for his own safety.

And though he’d almost always had that goofy, dreamy way of looking at Todd, lately it's turned from “looking” to “staring”. He walks into at least one streetlight each time they leave the house. He tried eating soup with a fork two hours ago. And right now the movie they were watching together is coming to an end, and Todd doubts Dirk even knows what the main actor looks like.

Todd swishes the last sip of beer around the bottom of the bottle, avoiding eye contact. He can remember the first times he noticed, but why is it happening? Come to think of it, it turned into an issue only when Farah left with Tina to chase the universe instead of letting it catch her first.

Todd finally turns to Dirk. Is Dirk uncomfortable with the break-up? Todd has become his only physically present friend.  _ So all the attention he thinks he's supposed to give two friends is focused on just one. _

Well, Todd knows what he should do with that information. He should be teaching Dirk how to make friends, and stepping back to let him choose those friends for himself. He has Dirk because Dirk doesn't get to choose between good friends and asshole ones, he takes what he can get. The right thing to do, in this situation, would be to tell him that.

And it shouldn't matter that Todd needs him. Just because an asshole doesn't want to be alone doesn't mean he has the right to drag good people down with him. If Dirk decides he never wants to see him again, that’s his right, and God knows Todd deserves to be deserted.

He opens his mouth to speak, but can't.

Maybe he could do this some time in the future? Grant himself time to enjoy friendship while it lasts? No, he wants to be good. He has to be good. For Dirk.

He chugs the last of his beer for courage, and Dirk takes it as an opportunity to speak.

“Hey Todd, you know how you and Farah used to kiss, back in the day? Well, uh, that looked fun. And I've never tried kissing. So, as a favour, could you show me what that's like, sometime? You know, uh, for the sake of my education, obviously.”

He’s spitting his beer all over the table before he can answer.

“A-are you okay!? Uuuuuuuuh wipes! I, bring, uh-”

By the time Dirk came back with a pack of fresh ones, Todd's breathing had already returned to normal.

So, Dirk has a crush on him. It should be weird, but next to his morbidly lonely train of thought just then, it's a major relief. Dirk is blabbering nervously while he wipes the table.

“Not that you have to, I just think this will be highly enjoyable, and I don't think Farah would mind, she seems to have already moved on, though I'd imagine you'd be unforgettable in a relationship, not that I imagine that frequently, it's just that I’m aware of what you have to offer…”

Geez, how is he noticing this just now. Looking back at the past few months, Dirk has been as subtle as a train collision. He has been pinning Dirk's antics on his weirdness for so long that he’s stopped paying attention to actual signs in front of him.

Dirk hasn't stopped rambling for a second. Todd wonders, distantly, if Dirk had even stopped to breathe.

“... very curious, and I think the best first experience I could have would be with you. For educational purposes, of course.”

Dirk is fidgeting like he's pumped with enough caffeine to supply a café for a year. Well, he's probably hooked over an idea of what Todd might be like and not crushing over the real one, since there isn't anything appealing about the real Todd Brotzman. Maybe a kiss will snap him out of it, once he realises Todd smells like sweat and tastes like… well, Todd doesn't know what he tastes like, but it probably isn't nearly as good as Dirk is expecting.

And then they'll be back to normal, and Todd will get to keep his only friend.

“Sure. Why not.”

“Really?! It was this eas- I mean, I see that you value education as highly as I do, dear assistant.”

And the beer must have really affected him, because he enjoyed that kiss.

So much for Dirk snapping out of it. Todd counted three times tripping over the sidewalk and five times knocking into poles. They’ve even found the article about the deceased woman sighted alive in a laboratory by Dirk falling on a newspaper.

“Todd, my lips are awfully cold. Could you warm them up for a minute or two? Or five minutes, just to be sure. You know what? Twenty min-”

“What part of 'stakeout’ do you not understand?”

“Dear assistant, if we ever survive this, I'm hoping to improve my kissing skills. Since you are clearly an expert on the matter, would you consider teaching me some kind of course? Maybe a ten step program? Though, I would much prefer a one hundred step program, if you wouldn't mind, since I'm a bit slow on the uptake, I'm afraid.”

Todd bangs his head on the wall of the van, wishing the old ladies who kidnapped them and trashed their office this morning would just end his misery.

“Todd, have I ever told you how good those pants look on- ow!” The lady hits Dirk with a purple side bag, urging him toward the pit in front of them.

Todd is afforded 30 seconds of quiet.

“Listen, Todd. Seen as we’re already close, could you maybe repeat that educational bit you've-”

“Really? Inside a grave?”

“So you're telling me all those clone-grandmas were made to be, what again?”

“Inconspicuous laboratory guards.”

“So he took the DNA from a grave, I get it, but he had to have dug the lady up from a graveyard. Why have an open grave on his grounds?”

“In case a trespasser needs to be taken care of of quickly. Really, Todd, you're smarter than that.”

“So by checking up on the lab and making the guards kidnap us in response, we were the diversion our drunk saviour needed.”

“Precisely, my clever assistant.”

They watch the mad scientist get thrown out of the fourth-floor window. Must have been a pretty vengeful grandson. His grandmas will be proud.

The main entrance opened shortly after. This place has a much better elevator than their building.

“Todd, I've been thinking… Even though the 'did it’ catchphrase is, truly, iconic, maybe we could replace it with a victory kiss?”

It was hard to say with his tripping and swaying for so much of his walk, but was the grandson walking toward them? 

“Not that we can't also snap our fingers with our victorious phrase, but a kiss would really add a, a  _ flare _ , to our catchphrase, won't you agree?”

“Oh god.”

“Have you been listening to me?”

“Dirk, I don't think he's leaving any witnesses.”

After an hour of pretending that the five shovels of dirt thrown on top of them was enough to choke them alive, and a half hour of attempting to crawl out of a grave, and hours of walking home looking and feeling like the dead, Dirk seemed to be tired of the topic, or really, of any topic.

But a nice shower and a good night sleep can do wonders to a person's mood. Dirk regained his passion for speaking, regardless of whether or not Todd was able to focus on their office's insurance.

“... three years back. Only instead of old ladies, there were vampires, and instead of a laboratory there was an immense circus tent, and there were mmph!  _ mmhm-  _ “

Todd can swear, that is the only way he could shut Dirk up. Or maybe not, but it is by far his favourite one.

“Listen to me. I need to figure out what part of our insurance contract could possibly cover us for pensioner-clone-assassin attacks. So I need you to stay silent for the next thirty minutes. If you can stop yourself from talking for thirty minutes, I will give you a better kiss at the end of them.”

_ “Hh, ha, how-” _

Todd puts a finger on Dirk's soft lips, the harsh breathing through them surprisingly gratifying. Dirk nods in a daze.

For the next twenty minutes Todd is reading the most boring contract he'd ever bothered reading for so long, in the most absolute silence to have ever graced this office since the day it's been bought. He doubts Dirk had ever, in his life, been so quiet for so long, except when he was asleep, and even then, he probably snored louder. Every once in a while Todd glances up to see him playing with Mona, or putting a hand through the broken hole in the window, or any other adorable nonsense he decides to busy himself with at that moment. Occasionally, he’d catch Dirk staring at him and pretend he didn't notice. Todd is an asshole and a nobody, but judging from the way Dirk looks at him, you'd think he's divine. He can't recall the last time he'd ever felt so wanted.

A  _ ping _ of an email being received echoed through the silent room. An email from the insurance company.

Apparently, the big boss had a bad day, and the story of their office made his day, so the company made an exception and will pay for all repairs even though their insurance policy doesn't cover a half of it. He made sure the money was actually moved into the agency's account and looked to Dirk, the walking lucky charm, who was seemingly counting down the seconds until the half-hour ends.

Shoving Dirk against the wall and getting familiar with the depths of his mouth, Todd thinks that not much has changed. Dirk is still the one to somehow, impossibly see Todd as something wonderful. Todd is still the one to somehow, against all odds, be what Dirk needed.

**Author's Note:**

> I was clearing my google docs from garbage and this was just there, untitled. I forgot about this so deeply, that at first I thought I was reading a story a friend had sent me for betaing. Of course, the story needed finishing and polishing, but still, makes me wonder what else I forgot in some corner.


End file.
